August 2011
What is your pathway (sequence of actions) for offering empathy? Do you consciously think about connecting with the other person? A few days ago I was talking with my friend Annie about my pathway to connecting with others and offering empathy. As we talked I became more and more excited by my clarity, and I realized that I want more awareness of this pathway in my life.
1st I make a choice to connect with the other person and to offer them empathy. I find that this step is important, the choice. Saying to myself “I want to connect to this person and understand what they are experiencing.” Without the conscious choice, I might begin listening because I think I am supposed to or because they are talking to me and I am there. However, I am doubting that in these moments I am offering empathy or that I am experiencing connection with the person in the way that I really want to.
2nd Then I decide (second choice) to take my internal empathy stance. For me this begins with taking a deep breath, becoming aware of the center of my chest and my breathing. Then I become as aware as possible while I release my thoughts. I want to release my thoughts, because I will not be able to really listen if I am thinking. I find that focusing on the area around my heart (the center of my chest), and even doing what I call “Heart Breathing” really helps me let go of my thoughts. Heart Breathing is imagining that you are breathing in and out of the area around your heart. If I am standing, I even change my physical stance so I feel secure and stable. If I am stable on my feet, I can let go of managing or thinking about this physical aspect too.
3rd Now that I have made a choice to connect with the other person, and I have taken a few breaths to connect to myself and become “present” or “centered”, I am ready to offer empathy. Preparing myself to offer empathy happens in seconds or may take a few moments. I find it is worth the investment of time. If I am concerned about what others might think, I can tell them that I need just a moment or, that I am trying to remember something. Both work and are true for me.
Often, I hear people tell me that they do great giving others empathy but they are not able to offer themselves empathy. I want to suggest to you that your same pathway for offering others empathy applies to offering yourself empathy.
1st You make a choice to give yourself empathy. How wonderful does that sound?
2nd You make the choice to take your internal empathy stance. I find that the same preparation is necessary for me. Whatever your pathway is, do it. If you don’t have a pathway, decide on one, its that simple.
Once I was in a restaurant with other people and found that taking the time I needed worked just fine. I said, “Would you give me a moment?” Then I closed my eyes and went through my steps, maybe it took 30 or 60 seconds. When I opened my eyes everyone at the table was looking at me. Then someone spoke up and said “What did you do? It is as if the energy in the entire restaurant changed.” I smiled and said, “I did self empathy so I could stay connected to you and what we are talking about”. In that moment I was even more convinced that I want to take the time and effort to prepare myself to connect.
3rd Now you are ready to give yourself empathy just like you would offer it to anyone else. You have many options to meet your need for empathy. You can do it quietly in your mind. You can write it down. You can always use two chairs if that is helpful. You can work through it with your eyes closed with others watching you. It will all work, and you are worth the investment of time and energy.
The point is, MAKE THE CHOICE to do it. Offer yourself empathy with all the preparation you would do to offer it to anyone else. You are worth it.
Until next time,
Blessings, love and Peace Matters,
Lori
