The post Beneath NO is Life appeared first on Peace Matters.

I consult at an Assisted Living Facility, Cedar Creek and developed an employee training program that is optional. We have a group of 5, where I teach the components of wellness, which is an efficient channeling of energy. The 3 circles are awareness, education and growth.  We discuss that wellness is a process, as we gain awareness; we learn and grow with practice. We apply these principles with ourselves the residents and other employees.

This group created their vision: becoming aware, educating and growing together in love. We will maintain this vision in all that we do. They changed their title to encompass their vision to being Care Partner Mentors, which means they maintain their awareness, connect to themselves and share what they notice with staff and residents. Wow! I have reminded them the importance of celebrating in all that they are and all that they are creating. A recent example was seeing the need to increase orientation with new employees about compassion, they created a program and began to use it, and “we” celebrate the gift of making what we see visible to ourselves and everyone else.

Could teaching NVC, giraffe and jackal language be useful? With curiosity, wonder and awe, I brought my giraffe and jackal puppets to class. After much giggling, laughter and asking, what are you doing now Annie, they responded with the “ah ha” moment. This group is hungry and receptive to learning a language that supports what they are trying to do!

They are creating a t-shirt, with a giraffe, a heart and possibly the vision statement.

We are discussing other components of NVC, what are doable request, identifying what “we” need.

Judy, one of the students says “the mentor class is very helpful, I find myself listening to myself and others – are we speaking giraffe or jackal language. I am using doable requests especially in the kitchen and it is working for me. Becoming aware of the giraffe and the jackal so far has been the most useful.”

I have answered my question, yes, teaching NVC, is a needed language of life. I have concerns about giraffe and jackal teaching that we don’t create duality, seeing the giraffe as “good” and the jackal as “bad”.  I am challenged with continuing to increase the awareness that the jackal in all of us is simply a messenger to be listened to, not destroyed! I do not know where else we are going, but it is a wonderful process of becoming aware, educating and growing together in love.

I love questions and ideas that enrich the world that we share; I can be reached at grow4u@earthlink.net

I have the honor of training with Lori Woodley, and as I have said, it is a life long process of “being” authentic along with the words to express, thank you Lori!

Ann L. Bumgarner, CTRS, LUT, PCT

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It seems that saying Yes is much easier to say (and hear) than No.  In fact, my Yes can be automatic.  Often, my internal answer to the original question comes sometime after I have already said yes.

In Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication teaching, everything we say or do is to meet a need.  To follow this teaching, what needs might someone be trying to meet by quickly saying Yes before actually considering the question?  Possibly the person might feel hesitant (“put on the spot”) and wants to have a sense of ease.  Other desires (needs) for belonging and acceptance might be underneath as well.  All of these needs are excellent motivations for quickly saying yes.  In fact, I really enjoy ease, belonging and acceptance. Although, saying Yes when not fully meaning Yes will probably not provide lasting ease, belonging or acceptance.

At the same time, becoming aware of these underlying needs does lead to the realization that the strategy of saying Yes so quickly probably will not actually provide the desired outcome.

For me the next step is to take a moment and think through a situation.  Our imagination can support us in this process.  I like to practice using imagination, and have found it to be very effective.  The mind will produce many of the same responses as if we were actually in the conversation. This practice enables us to enhance our capacity for the next similar situation.

For me, I begin by taking a few breaths and open myself to remembering a situation if one isn’t already on my mind.  I quickly remember a situation when someone asked a question when I quickly said yes.  I remember there were many people around and my focus was on something else.  I take another breath, and continue to replay the situation in my mind.  I remember in that moment I did say Yes.  I also remember that there was something else I was feeling, hesitation.  I can remember others that were there, and had paused after she asked the question. Now, I am imagining what they must have been thinking.   In my mind it sounds like, “How could she say no to her?”  Many thoughts begin swirling after that thought, then feelings, back to thoughts.

As I breathe past the thoughts that “I won’t belong” or that “I will lose acceptance if I don’t say Yes,” I notice that my breath catches.  I feel fear and I have the urge to move out of my seat.  No wonder I quickly said yes ~ I don’t want to feel this way.  I breathe again.  I then start to consider what I want in the situation.

More time could be spent on considering this situation, and what a great start.  This was a mini-role play with myself.  Role-plays can be very powerful and feel very real.  My heart was racing, I was imaging what people were thinking, and then my emotions reacted and so on.  Our minds can respond as if everything is happening in the current moment.   Quickly I was in touch with my desire for ease, as well as belonging and acceptance.  This all happened in a matter of moments while I sat by myself.

We can re-create an experience while we are alone or with a friend, which allows us to slow the experience down and notice our internal experience.  In our moment-to-moment lives, especially when we are interacting with others, we might be experiencing several (or many) different incoming messages and stimuli.  What might appear to be a simple situation could actually be quite complex.

The reason I like to practice is that when I find myself in a similar situation again, I have more of a sense of the “Watcher” or the “Mediator” of my experience.  I may notice thoughts such as “Oh, this is it, what I practiced for.  I have the urge to just say Yes, but I am going to pause.” Or  “Wow, this feels really uncomfortable, I am going to take a breath.  What do I want in this situation?”   Once we start making choices, we start empowering ourselves.

The only way through to a comfortable place is straight through to the other side.  I can dodge it, try to ignore it and sooner or later I will find myself back to the same spot, maybe different faces, different day and similar or almost same event.

A few points to remember:

1. Breath ~ enjoy a deep breath into your body.  The breath helps us slow the moment down, helps us nourish ourselves with life, and instantly connects  us to the current moment.
2. Present ~ to your desire.  What do you want, desire?  Where do you hear a Yes?  Are you hearing a No within? Is there a Yes and?  Explore the and…. What are you feeling?  Ease, Scared, Curiosity
3. Continue the conversation speaking from and in your experience.  I am often surprised how effective for everyone it can be for me to say that I feel tense or scared even in a professional setting and then say what I desire.
4. Making specific, positive requests for what you want, versus what you don’t want.  It is too easy to say what you don’t want.  Stretch yourself ~ and ask specifically for what you want.
5. Listen to others ~ for what it sounds like is important to them and ask them if you are hearing them the way they want to be understood.  Often we can get triggered on a point someone said, and then we miss what was important that they wanted us to hear.  People really want us to hear them.
6. Make agreements about how both of you are willing to move forward.  This might change and you can make amended agreements if need be.

I challenge you: before you answer so quickly the next time, take a breath and pause to ask yourself “what is my desire?” in this moment (in this situation) and wait for your internal answer.

Articles to follow will discuss the power of connecting to your N0.

Until next time

Blessings, Love and Peace Matters

Lori Woodley

The post The Power of your Yes appeared first on Peace Matters.

I’m not proud of it.  I consider myself a generally peaceful, sensitive, loving person. I think I wanted to let people know I understood them by agreeing with them.  Or, maybe sound important by giving out the right advice, or to feel accepted.

As I put empathy into practice, I’m able to make more a difference, often by saying nothing at all! Amazing. The book Nonviolent Communication, a Language of Life references Indian philosopher J. Krishnamurti, who said that observing without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence. I can attest that it’s incredibly hard to not judge or criticize. I might be polite enough not to say it out loud, but thoughts can run across your mind like movie subtitles.

Empathy is being there, completely present for someone. It’s touching their humanness, and connecting with them. It’s focusing on your similarities. It’s feeling that human emotional connection with on a level so deep, that you’re one with that person, in one magical moment, and then the next.

How wonderful to feel accepted, understood, heard and valued! I want that for me, and I want others to feel it. This kind of understanding creates personal peace, family peace—and wow—world peace. So many conflicts arise from conflicting views, snap judgments and misunderstandings. I think about the Unites States and our misunderstanding about Islam. What if we empathized with their views, rather than fearing them, and connected with our human and spiritual similarities?

On a smaller scale (and doesn’t peace always start at home?), empathy has made a difference in my family relationships.  My kids often come home from school crabby. Instead of huffing, “You know, I’ve had a long day and I’m crabby, too.” I’ve been trying empathy:  “So, you worked hard today at school and you’re ready for a break?” Hearing that mom understands makes the tears well up in their eyes.

I’m also practicing empathy with myself. This is a big one for me. Like many busy wives and moms, I usually come last. Recently, I walked in the door after a long day at work. I looked around and saw a messy house and my family sitting there, completely oblivious to it. I was tempted to yell. I was tempted to call them all lazy. Instead, I asked myself, “what am I really mad about?” Surprise:  it wasn’t the mess. With a little self-empathy, I discovered I was nervous about starting graduate school in a week and still managing our household and family lifestyle.

In that moment, I didn’t say a word. My kids smiled and greeted me with hugs. Later, I gathered the family and expressed that I’d need more help around the house, and a little understanding while I attending evening classes. Family crisis averted. Evening saved. Needs clearly communicated. We won’t always handle it this way, but we’ll aspire to do so.

The post Empathy & Listening by Laura Berry appeared first on Peace Matters.

These are not flowers
for picking or smelling.
They are for
trapping, entangling.

Once caught, there’s a
binding, a holding.
As if in reality,
we’re lost without knowing.

About the moment of freedom
there’s a rebound,
a reaching out,
a catching again.

What does it want?

As I use my strength
to roll it up,
it recoils.
I untangle.

I stand and say
Now
once again
NOW

I pull it up
from the root,
untangle, and finally
roll it up.

Freedom

May you be free

May we be free

L Woodley
11/22/2012

The post Poetry – The Barbed Wire Effect of Judgments appeared first on Peace Matters.

First and foremost, if you are reading this (meaning you are on my mailing list), you are probably on a spiritual journey and are already doing a significant amount of personal work in your life.  Practices such as gratitude can greatly enhance and support your personal work, possibly even accelerate your growth.

When you practice gratitude, one way to keep your practice rich (not dry) is to recall each specific person (event or detail) to mind that you are grateful for. As you practice, I invite you to take the time to feel gratitude within yourself.  Remember this is a practice!  Thoughts arise and fall.

Here are a few ways to practice gratitude:

Gratitude Idea 1:

Make a list of what you are grateful for.

• Be mindful of a specific list of what you are grateful for, or allow your list to grow.
• You might want to have a certain time each day to reflect on what you are grateful for, maybe at the end of your prayer or meditation time ~ or set an alarm for a moment every hour.

Gratitude Idea 2:

Express your gratitude to others.

• Send a card, or express your gratitude in person.
• Random acts of kindness (leave a flower)

Gratitude Idea 3:

As a heart practice, one of the 6 Buddhist Heart practices you can use this as a time of devotion.

Begin where gratitude flows easiest:

1^st offer gratitude to a Benefactor (Friend or Loved One)
Pick one person to focus on.

For 3 – 5 minutes bring the person to mind.  Remember what you are grateful about them for.  Feel the gratitude within yourself.

Remember this is a practice, a moving or intention to be grateful.  If you notice other thoughts arise, simply notice them.  Then you can choose to return by bringing the person to mind, and what you are grateful for – then feeling the gratitude.

2nd offer gratitude to a Friend (Loved One, Benefactor)
Pick another person to focus on.

For 3 – 5 minutes bring the person to mind and what you are grateful for.  Feel the gratitude within yourself.

3rd offer gratitude to  yourself ~

For 3 – 5 minutes bring yourself to mind and thank yourself.  Feel gratitude towards yourself.

4th offer gratitude to a person that you have experienced difficulty with.

For 3 – 5 minutes bring this person to mind and find at least one thing to be grateful about them for.  Remember this is a practice.  Notice if other thoughts come up such as “thank you for leaving my life and moving.”  This is not in the true sense of gratitude, and thoughts other than gratitude may arise.  Just notice the thought, and return to thoughts of what you are truly grateful for.

You can track how your thoughts and heart changes with this practice.

Practicing gratitude is a journey that will support you in all that you are doing.

I would enjoy hearing what you are grateful for and how your gratitude practice is unfolding.

In gratitude,

Lori Woodley

The post Gratitude Practice appeared first on Peace Matters.

My intention in writing this article is to support you in clearly expressing to others how your LIFE has been enhanced by their action(s).

Before beginning I want to bring to light two things:

1. Every moment is an opportunity to feel grateful.
2. How you actually speak your appreciation will determine to a large extent how the other person hears and receives your message.

I have heard expressions of appreciation that have sounded something like this:

• “You are such a great part of our team!”
• “You are awesome!”
• “What would we do without you?”

Many people enjoy hearing these kinds of statements and they are judgments ~ positive judgments, and yet judgments all the same.  Personally, I actually feel tense hearing statements like these, because they really do not give me the information I long to hear.  I prefer to hear more specific information.  Coming to this realization was quite a journey for me.   At the same time, I honor that these statements can be said with the highest of intentions, as well as feelings of appreciation.

I have also noticed that many people I have attempted to express appreciation to, seem to have a defensiveness or guardedness about hearing or accepting the appreciation.  One reason for this might be that our culture does not readily support individuals claiming acknowledgement for their actions.  I feel sad thinking about this because (I believe) we each do many things everyday that we could easily celebrate, and yet we often do not hesitate to criticize ourselves when we ‘miss our goal.’

Another reason for our defensiveness about accepting appreciation might be that we question people’s intentions for expressing appreciation.  In our culture, appreciation is used to motivate individuals to either continue or begin certain behaviors.  Think about it, “You did good!”  “Keep up the good work!” “That a boy!”

This article is written to support you if you want to more fully express your appreciation to others.  Below I have offered a formula you can follow to express appreciation in a way that will tell the other person how they have enhanced your life.  At first you may notice that this approach takes a bit more time and energy than simply saying “thank you” or “you are wonderful”. I hope that you find this is worth the extra time and attention.  Here goes:

1. Tell the person what they said or did that contributed to your life (stick to the facts – less words are better).
2.  Then tell the person what was/is important to you about their action.  Did their action give you a sense of care, consideration, or love?  [Note: Nonviolent Communication calls these universal human needs.]  Be sure you are talking about what was important to you, not how you think they were caring or loving, this would be a judgment.
3. How do you feel thinking about how your life made better by what this person did (how your needs were met) ?  FEELINGS: (example: happy, touched, teary).  Or, how did you feel when the action happened?

Lastly, I encourage you to ask the person how they feel hearing what you just said, and open a space to hear them.  There are many responses you might hear:

• “It was nothing.”
• “You’re welcome.”
• “Tell me more.
• “As you tell me this, I am …”

Dialogue example:

Pre:    “Fred, I want to tell you something that is important to me.  Do you have a few minutes to hear this?”  (Wait for the answer).

1.        “Last week, I received your phone message wishing me well before I went into the hospital.”

2.        “Hearing your message stimulated a sense of care within me.”

3.        “As I tell you this, I feel touched and delighted.”

End:   “How is this for you to hear from me?”
To recap (expressing appreciation):

1. Express what the person said or did.
2. How did the action enhance your life?
3. How do you feel because of the action?

If someone tells you it was nothing, don’t worry about it, you have the option of telling them that the action was meaningful for you and that you want to take the time to let them know.

I would be interested in hearing how expressing appreciation is working in your life.

Hope you have a wonderful Happy Thanksgiving.

Until next time,

Blessings, Love and Peace Matters

Lori Woodley

For more information read Marshall Rosenberg’s book

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. 

Much of this article referred to

Chapter 13: Expressing Appreciation in Nonviolent Communication

For more information read Marshall Rosenberg’s book Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life.    Much of this article referred to chapter 13: Expressing Appreciation in Nonviolent Communication

The post Speak Your Appreciation appeared first on Peace Matters.

The more I work with untangling my observations from my evaluations (making meaning of things) the less I find that my observations have anything to do with my sense of well-being.  I am finding what is actually affecting is my sense of well-being more than anything are my evaluations, judgments and all of the meaning my mind makes of things.

“The Indian philosopher J. Krishnamurti once remarked that observing without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence.”  (Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life)   The few moments I have actually experienced observing without evaluating have seemed very alive.  One such experience was last week when I was walking on the beach.  I remember being aware as I walked.  I felt my feet touch the sand.  I saw and heard the water and birds.  Each moment was full and vivid as I experienced it.

Then, I would wake up and realize I had been lost in my own minds virtual world.  I noticed that as soon as I began to think about how cute a bird was as it scooted around, or remember a memory when I was younger, I would easily lose the moment and no longer see, hear or touch what was actually happening then.  Instead I was off in my memories and thoughts.

Each time I woke to being present to the moment – everything became vividly clear again, as if the lights were turned up just a bit.

Pema Chodron writes that “If we stick with it, our experience becomes more vivid and more transparent, and we can no longer not get the message.  And this is a message that never gets interpreted.  Things speak for themselves.  It’s not that the red cushion means passion…its just red cushion.”

I have found so many applications for NVC, including teaching, mediation, counseling, coaching, and mostly living and experiencing my life.

I have come to believe that my happiness is linked to my capacity to simply observe.  It seems a (r)evolutionary step to be able to actually observe our thoughts, and to know that the thought is just that – a thought.  Our mind creates thoughts with ease, some 60,000 a day.  That is its job.

We are capable of observing something and then making meaning of what we just observed so fast, that the observation and the meaning (evaluation) are mixed in our mind and we are not (always) aware that the combination has happened.  We can easily hold the two (observation & evaluation) as one event, and be absolutely convinced that the entire thing is true.  Question is, realizing that all of your reactions, responses and choices are based on this information – how do you want to proceed?

Yes, my first thought too is – well I don’t really do that much evaluation.  Yes, thinking this seems to be an automatic (ego) defense.

I heard Jack Kornfield talk about this phenomenon in jest.  He said imagine if a stranger came up to you and began whispering in your ear your own thoughts.  He said, you would probably run away because you would think the person was crazy.  But, when you hear your own thoughts from within, you are much more apt to identify and believe them.

I have found that when I unravel the observation from the evaluation, and understand my feelings and needs around the evaluation, I have very little if any suffering around the observation.  My suffering rests in the evaluation, or what I believe.

Try this.  I challenge you to catch as many thoughts as you can.  Write them down.  They move fast, so you may have to really watch. Notice which part is what you actually saw, heard or touched (observations) and what part is what you believe or the meaning you have made up (your evaluation)?  What happens as you untangle these elements apart (observation vs. evaluation)?  Can you see where the emotion is?

If we put all the four components of NVC together: As you notice this meaning or this thought; How do you feel?  What do you need or desire?  What is one thing you can do or request that would meet your need?

I would enjoy hearing what you notice.

May you see clearly and enjoy living moment to moment.

Until next time,

Blessings, Love and Peace Matters,

Lori Woodley

The post Seeing Clearly appeared first on Peace Matters.

Here is Andrea Adams story:  Loving My Addiction  (July 20, 2012)

How’d I quit smoking?  I eased my hold on the hatred I had generated so long associated with my smoking habit and gradually learned to love into all things related to cigarettes.  Why the shift?  One day, in all that defeated angst from failing to quit once again, I heard the softest whisper offer “Love it.  Love into it.”  Love what I thought, the cigarette? Yet, I felt the authenticity of this message as its potency permeated my stubborn denials elevating me just enough to know that I must trust this invisible help.  Within its mighty boost I exhaled illusory aloneness and separation, sobbed and surrendered.

Love my cigarette? It struck me as incredibly, ridiculously paradoxical.  It felt morally wrong to love this addiction, the whole notion of it as crazy as loving one’s enemy.  Exactly!  This was to be my journey, to reverse the conditioned denials in my heart, to harmonize my judgments, to elevate my constricted thought patterns.

I learned that hating my habit fueled its very existence and I became acutely aware that whatever I resisted persisted.  I love you, stupid cigarette.  It felt so fake and futile at first.  It took a courageous, crazy, mighty willingness to surrender prideful control of what had been my job for so long as I let go and let Love have Its way with me as It bombarded and transmuted the hardened bits and pieces of me back into Its high vibrational frequency.

Through it all, with committed practice, Love grew to feel more sincere.  It was still on me to say no to smoking, to generate self-patience, self-compassion, self-worth, to employ the right support systems, and to say yes to the powerful energetic changes occurring within my consciousness and body as Love worked through me and for me.

It has taken linear time for me to keep releasing the stuff that came up from time to time that craved a smoke, and won, until Love dissolved it all.  Now I have freedom.  I can be triggered and have the strength to not smoke for there’s nothing for the cigarette to attach to within me.  With Love as my essential partner, I’ve dissolved alcohol and coffee from my menu too.  I love you, stupid cigarette, and I am grateful, in the highest sense.  What despicable thing can I love into next?

The post Andrea Loved Into It appeared first on Peace Matters.

Pema goes on to write about how this experience of getting hooked is preverbal, that thoughts and emotions happen quickly.  If we are attentive, we can feel it happening, even notice when the tension first arises, when it is just a tightening.

To notice the first moments of tightening or tension within, and then to become aware of the thoughts and emotions that arise moment to moment can be an amazing or even surprising experience.

In my experience, my learning unfolded like this:

• First, I noticed that it did happen – I got triggered and reacted (maybe a few days ago).
• Then I noticed it was happening – I was getting triggered right then (although I didn’t seem to be able to do anything about it – I just watched it all play out).
• Then I caught myself triggered in the middle of a conversation.  This time I was able to take a breath and say: “wait, I want to be sure I understand what you are saying, will you say it again.”   Everything changed.  I still remember and celebrate that moment.
• Then, I noticed the slightest tightening within me happening before a word was spoken.

Once we become aware and are able to observe our experience, we begin to have choice.  The choice I am pointing to is having the choice in how to respond (vs. react) moment to moment.  This choice only happens when we are present and aware of our experience.

May you enjoy the presence of breath and then the ease and confidence of choice this Labor day weekend.

Until next time,

Blessings, Love and Peace Matters,

Lori Woodley
8/30/2012

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