May, 8, 2012      Resilience

It’s in the return.  – Sharon Saltzberg

I believe resilience is a universal human quality.  I want to have this quality or meet this need more in my life.  Bouncing back.  Returning to my better self, with as much eagerness as before “whatever happened that seemed to knock me down”.

I have read many articles that write about people that have the quality or gift of resilience, as if some of us have resilience and some of us don’t.  I believe that we all have access to resilience.  It is universal!  Maybe there are those times we bounce back automatically, and times we “get stuck” and don’t bounce back so easily.  When we are “stuck” or not bouncing back automatically, we might want to look for ways to meet our need for resilience.

My daughter Lena shows me what resilience is almost daily.  Sometimes I wonder if I had forgotten about resilience before she was born.  I can still see her in my minds eye playing soccer when she was about four.  Next thing I knew she was lying on the ground.  I was worried she might be hurt.  Up she popped to her feet as if nothing happened.  She had a serious, focused look on her face as she looked around.  She caught sight of the ball and off she went running down the field.  I call that resilience.

I watch her ability to bounce back closely as she gets older.  I have wondered if generally we lose our capacity or heart to “jump back in the game” over time as we build up resentments, hurts and similar life experiences.  While I watch over her resilience, I find myself examining how I am meeting my own need for resilience.

There are a few things that keep me from experiencing resilience.  Probably the largest obstacle is my own thinking.  I often find myself  “thinking” that something is wrong with me or that they (I still don’t know who “they” is) don’t like me.  It doesn’t take much for me to believe those thoughts, and I can have a full story up and running in my mind in a few moments.  Once I have a story running in my mind, it seems that I have to be even more intentional about meeting my need for resilience.

What is in the way of you experiencing resilience?

Why is resilience important?  For me, I want to fully experience my life.  The only way I can be fully involved in my life is to meet my need for resilience in the times that I don’t automatically bounce back.  Otherwise, I seem to be sitting on the “sidelines” and not fully engaged.  When I am older and look back on my life, I want to know that I lived fully.

What can you do when the return to your fully engaged self isn’t automatic?  This is how it works for me:

1. Realize you are not bouncing back (just knowing wakes me up and causes a shift in my outlook).
2. What are you thinking?  (If I am not bouncing back, then I’m probably caught in a story – true or false or a little of both)  Identify what the thought is, or cluster of thoughts.  Pay attention, watch or hear those thoughts that have you “stuck” and feeling the way you are feeling.  (As soon as I identify the “story” as a thought, I usually stop believing it as much.
3. What do you want?  Resilience, yes.  Is there something else that would really satisfy you?  Wellbeing, Respect, Partnership?  You might feel a sensation in your body when you find the need(s) that resonates with you the most.
4. Now, this part is up to you!  What is one specific thing that will meet your need?  Get specific, name what you want, instead of what you don’t want.   There are seven billion other humans on the planet that could support you; remember to be specific about what you want to meet your need.

How are you meeting your need for resilience?

In a retreat last year I heard Sharon Saltzberg say, “Its in the return.”  If I catch myself doing something I don’t like, maybe I said something that was far from what I think of as compassionate.  Maybe I raised my voice to my daughter.  Maybe I am stuck, and haven’t been able to bounce back.  “It’s in the return.”   Sharon went on to explain that it is the return to what we want to be doing that is important.  It is like riding a bike.  While riding a bike we are constantly making corrections to stay upright on the bike.  I want to return quickly, and get back to balance in my life without judging myself for being “off balance.”  If I judge myself for being off track, the judgmental thoughts are just more story keeping me from being fully engaged in my life. Sure, I might want to evaluate what happened, maybe even make a few amends, and first things first.  Returning to being fully engaged in my life.  Bouncing back.  It’s in the return.

Resilience.  I hope you are enjoying this moment – your life.

Until next time,

Blessings, Love and Peace Matters,

Lori Woodley

You might find yourself listening to a friend who feels hurt from a certain situation.  After you listen for a while, you might deepen into the understanding with your friend that the situation didn’t meet their need for care or consideration.  You could take a moment and invite your friend to hold the word “care” in their mind and imagine that need fully met.  Notice what happens.

In mediation, (formally or informally with family or friends) it is helpful to invite participants to connect to the need or value when they are preoccupied with a certain outcome.  Generally, it isn’t the outcome they want, it is what the outcome would give them.  This approach works the same with my daughter.  She usually wants choice and autonomy.  I ask her to imagine what it would be like to have choice and what would meet her need for choice.  Then we negotiate, and that is another process.

“Feeling into” what is important to us can result in positive results when we are experiencing internal difficulties such as when we have different parts of ourselves that want different things.  When we take the time to understand what is important (the needs) behind both things we want, and connect to each need we can experience a shift.  Once I begin to experience connection to all of my needs (what is important to me), other solutions begin to emerge effortlessly.

I have a dream of a Peace Center in the Kansas City area.  This is about what I hope for: peace, learning, effectiveness, interdependence, and much more.  When I focus and feel into or savor peace, interdependence, and learning I shift into another state of consciousness.  I am now connected to myself and everyone here in my local area in a way I wasn’t a few moments ago.  I also have a very strong sense of belonging that I didn’t feel a few moments ago.  Suddenly, I have a very strong sense of belonging. From my new sense of connectedness I am not as concerned with having a center a much as having peace, learning, effectiveness and interdependence.  I still want a center and I can also see many other ways to fulfill my desire for those needs.

Now that I am feeling a new sense of belonging and connectedness with my community, I will act from this sense of belonging, which in turn will bring about different results from others than before I felt this way.  I also feel more confident, and I really enjoy having a sense of confidence.

Once I am connected to what is important to me, and committed to the possibility something happens. How does something happen?  I don’t know, it is a mystery to me.  Ike Lasater (www.wordsthatwork.us) a teacher of mine describes, and I paraphrase: “When we connect to our needs, our subconscious mind begins searching for ways or strategy to fulfill them; we are not even aware that this is happening.”  Another favorite of mine, Mike Dooley writing as the universe (tut.com), and again I paraphrase: “Whenever you focus on anything at all, it is as if a call goes out to every corner of the universe to fulfill whatever is needed.”

In my experience, it is from a place of feeling a sense of connection and belonging that comes from taking a moment and feeling into what is important to me (peace, interdependence and learning) that makes it possible for these universal human needs to be fulfilled.  I can’t explain how it happens.  Is it my subconscious, is it the universe (God), is it people supporting me, is it me making a commitment?

YES, probably all of the above!

I invite you to feel into and savor your needs and values, imagine them fully met in your life, then live your life from the sense of being that (feeling into and savoring your needs) creates.

Until next time,
Blessings, Love and Peace Matters,
Lori

Note: The Program Mediate Your Life – Mediation Immersion Program taught me the skills to mediate my life, and deepen my skills to navigate my life.
To learn more click here

Is “having heart” about courage or spirit?  Is it about being considerate and thoughtful of others, compassion?  Is it about resilience or determination?

I am wondering if “having heart” is a balance of all three of these; courage, compassion, and resilience.  Imagine having a sense of all three of these in your life, especially in the moments that are the most important to you.

Let’s look at how each of these qualities contribute to “having heart”.

Courage brings to mind thoughts of the hero and going beyond the common among us.  Have you ever heard that courage is being afraid, and taking the action in spite of the fear?  To remain steady, even when scared and following through with the action is a quality I would like to continue to expand in my life.  At the same time, I believe courage is common among us.  We seem to value when courage is displayed in others, maybe to a fault so that we forget that we too have the choice of courage at any moment.

How could you meet your desire for courage?  What is one small action (positive and doable) you could take that would offer you a sense of courage?

Now about the fear, I don’t want to be stopped by fear and at the same time, I want to at least consider the feeling.  My understanding of Nonviolent Communication developed by Marshall Rosenberg, any feeling is informing me of either a need unmet or met.  With fear, I am guessing there is a need (something really important to me) not met.  At the very least, I want to know what needs of mine would be met as well as the needs possibly not met by my taking (or not taking) a certain action.  Then, with this understanding I can make a decision that will be in alignment with my values and what is most important to me.

Compassion has many meanings these days.  On the level of consideration and thinking of others, possibly like the Golden Rule (treating others as you would like to be treated), is a good starting place for compassion to begin.  When we think of others, our attention is with them.  If we are able to consider what their experience might be, we can expand our attention into understanding or empathy.  Understanding for someone else’s experience will (usually) be different than our personal experience, so understanding and empathy expands beyond the Golden Rule because it is considering someone else’s experience and desire separate from what we might want or experience in the same situation.  Compassion, in my understanding, goes beyond attention, understanding and care, yet arises from these.

How could you meet your desire for consideration or compassion?  What is one small action (positive and doable) you could take that would offer you a sense of these?

My daughter shows me resilience; falling down, brushing herself off and getting back in the game with renewed desire to be involved.   I don’t always have the capacity to “get back in the game with a renewed desire to be involved”.  It seems when I “fall down” it takes me a while to “lick my wounds.”  Maybe as an adult I have gathered more baggage or pain that is triggered, so that it seems that more effort is necessary to “get back in the game.”  This might be a wonderful opportunity to consider what prevents you from “jumping back into the game with a renewed desire to be involved?”  I am guessing that unpacking this “baggage”, or to understand what is triggered within us, could lighten the load and allow each of us to live and experience life as we would enjoy more.  It seems resilience is at the core of “having heart”.

What is one action (positive and doable) you could take that would offer you a sense of resilience?

In this moment I would define “having heart” as having the courage to remain steady with compassion and the resilience to continue returning to a renewed desire to be involved.

What does “having heart” mean to you?

Until next time,

Blessings, Love and Peace Matters

What Meets Your Need for Love?

When my daughter reaches out and holds my hand.

When my partner runs errands for me.

When my dad tells me he is proud of me.

When my teachers spend time with me to teach me.

What gives you a sense of love?
Add yours below…

Do you have a “wish list” for what you would like to find in the world?  Would you like to experience Respect?  Possibly your list would include Care or Companionship?  Empathy, Understanding and Being Heard?

Would you like to know how to manifest your wish list?

I encourage you to take a moment now and write your list.  Possibly five qualities that you would like to find in the world.

Do you have your list?

Great, I want to begin by sharing how I finally figured this out.

Several months ago, I was contemplating how I could inspire others to want to learn the skills of listening, understanding and empathy.  I was curious if there was a way I could explain these skills that would inspire  others.  I want to live in a world where we experience each other in deeper ways, I also would enjoy more understanding and empathy myself.  I find it rare in my world.

What happened?  I received an answer, a totally unexpected one.

My daughter, (Lena, 8 years old) wanted me to give her my phone.  I responded that I first wanted to call a friend that had just gotten out of the hospital, and then I would give her the phone.  I heard her sigh,and then I heard a loud breathing from her.  I felt myself become tense as I thought to myself “Oh no, she is going to have a tantrum.”  I continued to listen, and then became curious as to what she was doing.  As I looked over I noticed that she was sitting with her eyes closed simply breathing.  She had settled into a rhythm with her breathing.  Within a few moments she opened her eyes and looked at me.

I asked her what she had been doing.  She said it was something she does when she gets mad, that it helps her feel better.

Inside I was jumping for joy.  I recognized her doing what I call “returning to presence in the mist of conflict” and it is a powerful tool.  I never told my daughter how to do this, yet I practice it frequently.  I realized in that moment the power of how I actually live my life.

I began to realize that if I want understanding, my best chance of finding it is how I live my life.  What I want will manifest from my actions and who I am.

My daughter taking a moment to calm herself met my desires for respect, cooperation, ease and the list goes on.

Back to your list.  Do you want respect?  Are you willing to model behaviors that meet your need for respect, and then consider the results of your actions?  Do you want understanding?  When was the last time someone listened to you long enough to understand what you were actually saying?  Would you be willing to listen to someone else, and see what happens?

When you live your life from what you hope to find in the world, then you co-create what you want to find in the world.

Co-create what you desire!

I am interested to hear how this works for you.

Until next time,

Blessing, Love and Peace Matters

Lori

I have begun to gather my favorite empathy quotes.   Please add your ones here to share.

What is Empathy?

A respectful understanding of another’s experience.  - Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.

It feels good…

When someone really hears you without passing judgment on you, without taking responsibility for you, without trying to mold you, it feels damn good.  When I have been listened to, when I have been heard, I am able to re-perceive my world in a new way and go on. It is astonishing how elements that seem insoluble become soluble when someone listens. How confusions that seem irremediable become relatively clear flowing streams when one is heard.                                          -Carl Rogers

Surfing Life Energy and Watching the Magic Show

Have you ever been surfing? Imagine you’re on your surfboard now, waiting for the big one to come. Get ready to get carried with that energy. Now, here it comes. Are you with that energy right now? That’s empathy. No words – just being with that energy. When I connect with what’s alive in another person, I have feelings similar to when I’m surfing.

To do this, you can bring in nothing from the past. So the more psychology you’ve studied, the harder it will be to empathize. The more you know the person, the harder it will be to empathize. Diagnoses and past experiences can instantly knock you off the board. This doesn’t mean denying the past. Past experiences can stimulate what’s alive in this moment. But are you present to what was alive then or what the person is feeling and needing in this moment?

If you think ahead to what to say next – like how to fix it or make the person feel better – BOOM! Off the board! You’re into the future. Empathy requires staying with the energy that’s here right now. Not using any technique. Just being present. When I have really connected to this energy, it’s like I wasn’t there. I call this “watching the magic show.” In this presence, a very precious energy works through us that can heal anything, and this relieves me from my “fix-it” tendencies.                          - Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.

“Two parts of empathy: Skill (tip of iceberg) and Attitude (mass of the iceberg).”  - Unknown

“Empathy takes time, and efficiency is for things, not people.”  -Stephen Covey

The most precious gift we can offer others is our presence. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers.   –Thich Nhat Hanh

What is your pathway (sequence of actions) for offering empathy?  Do you consciously think about connecting with the other person?  A few days ago I was talking with my friend Annie about my pathway to connecting with others and offering empathy.  As we talked I became more and more excited by my clarity, and I realized that I want more awareness of this pathway in my life.

1st  I make a choice to connect with the other person and to offer them empathy.  I find that this step is important, the choice.  Saying to myself “I want to connect to this person and understand what they are experiencing.”  Without the conscious choice, I might begin listening because I think I am supposed to or because they are talking to me and I am there.  However, I am doubting that in these moments I am offering empathy or that I am experiencing connection with the person in the way that I really want to.

2nd  Then I decide (second choice) to take my internal empathy stance.  For me this begins with taking a deep breath, becoming aware of the center of my chest and my breathing.  Then I become as aware as possible while I release my thoughts.  I want to release my thoughts, because I will not be able to really listen if I am thinking.  I find that focusing on the area around my heart (the center of my chest), and even doing what I call “Heart Breathing” really helps me let go of my thoughts.  Heart Breathing is imagining that you are breathing in and out of the area around your heart.  If I am standing, I even change my physical stance so I feel secure and stable.  If I am stable on my feet, I can let go of managing or thinking about this physical aspect too.

3rd  Now that I have made a choice to connect with the other person, and I have taken a few breaths to connect to myself and become “present” or “centered”, I am ready to offer empathy.  Preparing myself to offer empathy happens in seconds or may take a few moments. I find it is worth the investment of time.  If I am concerned about what others might think, I can tell them that I need just a moment or, that I am trying to remember something.  Both work and are true for me.

Often, I hear people tell me that they do great giving others empathy but they are not able to offer themselves empathy.  I want to suggest to you that your same pathway for offering others empathy applies to offering yourself empathy.

1st  You make a choice to give yourself empathy.  How wonderful does that sound?

2nd  You make the choice to take your internal empathy stance.  I find that the same preparation is necessary for me.  Whatever your pathway is, do it.  If you don’t have a pathway, decide on one, its that simple.

Once I was in a restaurant with other people and found that taking the time I needed worked just fine. I said, “Would you give me a moment?”  Then I closed my eyes and went through my steps, maybe it took 30 or 60 seconds.  When I opened my eyes everyone at the table was looking at me.  Then someone spoke up and said “What did you do?  It is as if the energy in the entire restaurant changed.”  I smiled and said, “I did self empathy so I could stay connected to you and what we are talking about”.  In that moment I was even more convinced that I want to take the  time and effort to prepare myself to connect.

3rd  Now you are ready to give yourself empathy just like you would offer it to anyone else.  You have many options to meet your need for empathy.  You can do it quietly in your mind.  You can write it down.  You can always use two chairs if that is helpful.  You can work through it with your eyes closed with others watching you.  It will all work, and you are worth the investment of time and energy.

The point is, MAKE THE CHOICE to do it.  Offer yourself empathy with all the preparation you would do to offer it to anyone else.  You are worth it.

Until next time,

Blessings, love and Peace Matters,

Lori

Labeling seems normal in our culture:  It is common in our culture to classify others by labeling them, to judge by deciding what is right and wrong or good and bad and then to assign blame.  This was a normal part of the way I was raised, and I find it typical in my daily interactions with others.  Think about how these three (labeling, judging and blaming) seem to be presented as facts, as if everything that was said was true. “She is _______!”  ”He is _______!”  ”They are _______!”  Did you ever wonder how this got started or why we still do it?

I heard Marshall Rosenberg say, “If you are using NVC, then everyone else is using perfect NVC.”  Another way I heard him say this was, “If you have your ‘giraffe ears’ on, then you can’t hear judgments.” I thought to myself, “I don’t know if I have ever used NVC or had ‘giraffe ears’ on”.  In NVC we say that we have our giraffe ears on as a way to express that we are hearing (or trying to hear) a message in a compassionate way, actually listening to what might be underneath the words spoken – listening for the needs or what is important to the person speaking.

As I have been working on noticing my own judgments, labels and blaming – I have also become even more aware when I hear others judging, labeling and blaming.  There have been times that I have stood back on my heels in total amazement at the fluency and vocabulary of others judging and labeling.  I don’t think I could keep up with them even if I tried.  Other times I find myself overwhelmed by all that I am hearing and not sure how to respond within myself or to the other person.  At times I have been unable to bridge the gap between my quest to transform labeling, judging and blaming into understanding what the unmet need is and to simply have a conversation with someone else because of my inner response to how they are communicating.  Or to say it another way, my judgment of their judgments.  I have been searching for a way to be at ease in the world with everyone no matter how they are communicating.

The most excellent reason:  Marshall Rosenberg tells us that everything that everyone does is for the most excellent reason, to meet a need.  For some reason I have never been able to connect this way of communicating to this statement.  This labeling, judging and blaming seems to be global.  What need could it possibly be meeting?

A few weeks ago I was reading from Evelyn Underhill’s book Practical Mysticism ”Because mystery is horrible to us, we have agreed for the most part to live in a world of labels;” a light bulb in my mind went off.  Of course, maybe labeling and judging is about safety and comfort, even belonging and community.  If we label, especially when we are experiencing discomfort with someone, possibly we are provided some relief from our discomfort by classifying what is wrong (the label, judgment or blame).

To me there is nothing like empathy, and understanding “the most excellent reason” for why someone is doing or saying what they are doing or saying.  I am experiencing so much ease.  In fact since I have guessed that labeling and judging might be a way to meet needs such as safety and comfort, even belonging and community I have not experienced dis-ease in how someone else is communicating.

When I find myself in pain because of my own judgments, I seek help.  I think we all do.  Now, I seek a special kind of help.  I ask a friend to help me understand “the most excellent reason” why someone said or did what they said or did. I want to understand what needs they might have been trying to meet.  Sometimes I need help to stay curious long enough to get out of my own judgment so I can have freedom from my suffering.  I find freedom in understanding “the most excellent reason” that someone did or said what they did or said – what need were they trying to meet.  So far, every time I have found relief even from the oldest and deepest pain.

Reality or Imagination:  Thousands of years ago when our survival depended on us judging correctly if we were safe or not in a split second, this ability to judge and label was vitally important.  To think we can sum up a person in seconds, or to decide who they are by a single action or by an expression on their face, or to know an entire people of millions because we know a few doesn’t seem to have a strong foundation in reality.  Now that our survival isn’t dependent on our judgment of who someone else is in a split second, maybe we can begin to awaken to another reality.

Underhill writes that a mystic is someone who believes in union with reality.  What else would you want to have union with?  To have a bit of reality then would require us to be open to what is alive in a person, to what is actually being said, and to hear what is important to them.

Celebration:  I am happy for this new understanding, mostly because I want to make a difference, to contribute especially to this work.  I believe I will have a better chance to do this if I am able to understand as I listen with ease without trying to educate or change how people are communicating.  Yes, I am starting to get it Marshall.  If I have my ‘giraffe ears’ on then I can’t hear judgments,  I hear what is important to the person.  If I can stay curious long enough I can begin to understand “the most excellent reasons” someone is doing or saying what they are – Empathy.  To me, there is nothing in this world like empathy.  I love getting empathy and I love when I begin to “get” others too.  It changes everything, especially the pain I feel from not understanding.

Ok everyone – adjust your ‘giraffe ears’ just a little.  There, how’s that?

Until next time,

Blessings, Love, and Peace Matters

Lori

I want peace of mind and peace in the world, and I am guessing if you are reading this so do you.  The question is, why don’t we have peace?  I believe what is in the way of peace for you, for me, and for everyone on the planet is what we are thinking.  It isn’t the thoughts themselves, it is that we actually believe them.  And it doesn’t stop there, we have feelings about the thoughts and we live from what we are thinking as if it is true.  Much of the time we are dreaming, living in the virtual world of our minds and we believe they are true.

In our culture it is common for us to label, to judge, and to compare in our thoughts and conversations.  ”He is such a jerk,” “She is always like that,” “I know I am better than they are.”  Then we mix what actually happened with what we think about what happened and we believe it all the same.  ”She didn’t call me last week (observation), and I know it is because she is still mad at me because of xyz (evaluation).” 

Marshall Rosenberg calls these “life-alienating” communications, and in my experience they are “life-alienating” in that I find that they easily disconnect me from connection.  Think about how you feel when someone tells you things like “I know you are thinking that I am wrong,” or “You always do that”.  These types of statements tend to disconnect us from other people, and when I do speak this way I find that the other person is usually so busy trying to defend themselves that they are unable to listen to anything I want them to hear.

If we can recognize that a thought is just that – a thought – we have almost won our freedom to peace.  Once we become aware that we are observing a thought, we become the witness.  As the witness we are not trapped into living from the thought, we are free to choose.  

To notice the thought, “He was wrong for doing that”, and then we can say to ourselves “oh, look at the thought I am having, I think he is wrong.”  Then I can wonder what did “he” actually do that I did not enjoy?  The answer to this question can bring us closer to what we want instead of living with the powerless thought that “He is wrong.”

Be the watcher, catch a thought and free yourself and someone else at the same time.

Until next time,

Blessings, Love, and Peace Matters

Lori

When you regret something you said or did: I am guessing, from time to time we all regret some action we have taken.  The question is “what thoughts do you have about your actions”?  Generally, we have a certain way we talk to ourselves, or attempt to “educate” ourselves when we are disappointed in our own behavior.  For many of us, it is common for us to blame ourselves (I should know better or it was all my fault), use moralistic judgments (I am bad or I am an idiot), or compare ourselves (she will always do it better than I will).  This is a violent way to talk to ourselves, and what do we actually learn from talking to ourselves this way?  It seems the only thing we learn is to avoid hearing things that make us feel this pain, guilt and shame.  Have you noticed a sense of defensiveness in others, or a need to protect themselves?  I wonder if this is an attempt to protect oneself from this sense of pain from the way we talk to ourself and to each other.

A new way to educate ourselves: First, is to consider what values or needs we did not meet by what we did?  An example: I screamed at my child this morning and my thoughts were “what a horrible mother I am” and “I will never learn to do this better”.  In the past, that would have been the entirety of my self-dialogue.  When I take it another step and consider the needs that I did not meet by my action, I can quickly connect to care and respect.  Then I ask myself, how do I feel about not meeting those needs of care and respect?  I feel sad, very sad.  It is a different sadness than the typical pain, guilt and shame.  Marshall Rosenberg calls it a sweet pain, because it is natural and connected to my values.  Feeling this sadness is mourning that my needs for respect and care were not met.  It isn’t about saying I am sorry because I was wrong.  It is about saying that I am sad because my actions towards her did not meet my need for care and respect.  Already I am noticing some spaciousness within me.

Now, a question that is sometimes hard to consider at first.  ”What needs was I trying to meet by screaming at my child?”  Remember everything that we do is for the most excellent reason.  However, sometimes our actions create pain in us because they are costly to our relationships and they don’t meet other values we have.  Back to the question, “What was the really good reason that I screamed at my daughter?”  Ok, I wanted cooperation and ease in the morning.  Who doesn’t want cooperation and ease?  Right?

Now in holding all of my needs, care and respect as well as cooperation and ease, I want to consider how to meet all of these needs without the high cost to myself and my daughter.  I want cooperation and ease, but not at the cost of care and respect and I want care and respect but not at the cost of cooperation and ease.

Solutions Emerge: Once you know the needs that you want to hold equally, I invite you to take a moment and consider the beauty of each need.  Now ask yourself, how can you meet these needs in the future without the high cost?  You may receive an answer right away, or one may come to you over the next few days in ideas or thoughts.

This is the way I want to educate myself.  And the good news is I continue to see growth and change without the pain, guilt and shame.  I actually welcome opportunities for this learning, and find that my defensiveness and the need to protect myself have become smaller and smaller distractions as I trust this process.

Ongoing:  This has been my favorite NVC learning so far.  I find that my nights of tossing and turning are fewer and farther between.

I have developed a worksheet to follow this process, if you would like to have a copy of it simply email me to request it.

Until next time,

Blessings, Love and Peace Matters

Lori