Is “having heart” about courage or spirit?  Is it about being considerate and thoughtful of others, compassion?  Is it about resilience or determination?

I am wondering if “having heart” is a balance of all three of these; courage, compassion, and resilience.  Imagine having a sense of all three of these in your life, especially in the moments that are the most important to you.

Let’s look at how each of these qualities contribute to “having heart”.

Courage brings to mind thoughts of the hero and going beyond the common among us.  Have you ever heard that courage is being afraid, and taking the action in spite of the fear?  To remain steady, even when scared and following through with the action is a quality I would like to continue to expand in my life.  At the same time, I believe courage is common among us.  We seem to value when courage is displayed in others, maybe to a fault so that we forget that we too have the choice of courage at any moment.

How could you meet your desire for courage?  What is one small action (positive and doable) you could take that would offer you a sense of courage?

Now about the fear, I don’t want to be stopped by fear and at the same time, I want to at least consider the feeling.  My understanding of Nonviolent Communication developed by Marshall Rosenberg, any feeling is informing me of either a need unmet or met.  With fear, I am guessing there is a need (something really important to me) not met.  At the very least, I want to know what needs of mine would be met as well as the needs possibly not met by my taking (or not taking) a certain action.  Then, with this understanding I can make a decision that will be in alignment with my values and what is most important to me.

Compassion has many meanings these days.  On the level of consideration and thinking of others, possibly like the Golden Rule (treating others as you would like to be treated), is a good starting place for compassion to begin.  When we think of others, our attention is with them.  If we are able to consider what their experience might be, we can expand our attention into understanding or empathy.  Understanding for someone else’s experience will (usually) be different than our personal experience, so understanding and empathy expands beyond the Golden Rule because it is considering someone else’s experience and desire separate from what we might want or experience in the same situation.  Compassion, in my understanding, goes beyond attention, understanding and care, yet arises from these.

How could you meet your desire for consideration or compassion?  What is one small action (positive and doable) you could take that would offer you a sense of these?

My daughter shows me resilience; falling down, brushing herself off and getting back in the game with renewed desire to be involved.   I don’t always have the capacity to “get back in the game with a renewed desire to be involved”.  It seems when I “fall down” it takes me a while to “lick my wounds.”  Maybe as an adult I have gathered more baggage or pain that is triggered, so that it seems that more effort is necessary to “get back in the game.”  This might be a wonderful opportunity to consider what prevents you from “jumping back into the game with a renewed desire to be involved?”  I am guessing that unpacking this “baggage”, or to understand what is triggered within us, could lighten the load and allow each of us to live and experience life as we would enjoy more.  It seems resilience is at the core of “having heart”.

What is one action (positive and doable) you could take that would offer you a sense of resilience?

In this moment I would define “having heart” as having the courage to remain steady with compassion and the resilience to continue returning to a renewed desire to be involved.

What does “having heart” mean to you?

Until next time,

Blessings, Love and Peace Matters

What Meets Your Need for Love?

When my daughter reaches out and holds my hand.

When my partner runs errands for me.

When my dad tells me he is proud of me.

When my teachers spend time with me to teach me.

What gives you a sense of love?
Add yours below…

Do you have a “wish list” for what you would like to find in the world?  Would you like to experience Respect?  Possibly your list would include Care or Companionship?  Empathy, Understanding and Being Heard?

Would you like to know how to manifest your wish list?

I encourage you to take a moment now and write your list.  Possibly five qualities that you would like to find in the world.

Do you have your list?

Great, I want to begin by sharing how I finally figured this out.

Several months ago, I was contemplating how I could inspire others to want to learn the skills of listening, understanding and empathy.  I was curious if there was a way I could explain these skills that would inspire  others.  I want to live in a world where we experience each other in deeper ways, I also would enjoy more understanding and empathy myself.  I find it rare in my world.

What happened?  I received an answer, a totally unexpected one.

My daughter, (Lena, 8 years old) wanted me to give her my phone.  I responded that I first wanted to call a friend that had just gotten out of the hospital, and then I would give her the phone.  I heard her sigh,and then I heard a loud breathing from her.  I felt myself become tense as I thought to myself “Oh no, she is going to have a tantrum.”  I continued to listen, and then became curious as to what she was doing.  As I looked over I noticed that she was sitting with her eyes closed simply breathing.  She had settled into a rhythm with her breathing.  Within a few moments she opened her eyes and looked at me.

I asked her what she had been doing.  She said it was something she does when she gets mad, that it helps her feel better.

Inside I was jumping for joy.  I recognized her doing what I call “returning to presence in the mist of conflict” and it is a powerful tool.  I never told my daughter how to do this, yet I practice it frequently.  I realized in that moment the power of how I actually live my life.

I began to realize that if I want understanding, my best chance of finding it is how I live my life.  What I want will manifest from my actions and who I am.

My daughter taking a moment to calm herself met my desires for respect, cooperation, ease and the list goes on.

Back to your list.  Do you want respect?  Are you willing to model behaviors that meet your need for respect, and then consider the results of your actions?  Do you want understanding?  When was the last time someone listened to you long enough to understand what you were actually saying?  Would you be willing to listen to someone else, and see what happens?

When you live your life from what you hope to find in the world, then you co-create what you want to find in the world.

Co-create what you desire!

I am interested to hear how this works for you.

Until next time,

Blessing, Love and Peace Matters

Lori

I have begun to gather my favorite empathy quotes.   Please add your ones here to share.

What is Empathy?

A respectful understanding of another’s experience.  - Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.

It feels good…

When someone really hears you without passing judgment on you, without taking responsibility for you, without trying to mold you, it feels damn good.  When I have been listened to, when I have been heard, I am able to re-perceive my world in a new way and go on. It is astonishing how elements that seem insoluble become soluble when someone listens. How confusions that seem irremediable become relatively clear flowing streams when one is heard.                                          -Carl Rogers

Surfing Life Energy and Watching the Magic Show

Have you ever been surfing? Imagine you’re on your surfboard now, waiting for the big one to come. Get ready to get carried with that energy. Now, here it comes. Are you with that energy right now? That’s empathy. No words – just being with that energy. When I connect with what’s alive in another person, I have feelings similar to when I’m surfing.

To do this, you can bring in nothing from the past. So the more psychology you’ve studied, the harder it will be to empathize. The more you know the person, the harder it will be to empathize. Diagnoses and past experiences can instantly knock you off the board. This doesn’t mean denying the past. Past experiences can stimulate what’s alive in this moment. But are you present to what was alive then or what the person is feeling and needing in this moment?

If you think ahead to what to say next – like how to fix it or make the person feel better – BOOM! Off the board! You’re into the future. Empathy requires staying with the energy that’s here right now. Not using any technique. Just being present. When I have really connected to this energy, it’s like I wasn’t there. I call this “watching the magic show.” In this presence, a very precious energy works through us that can heal anything, and this relieves me from my “fix-it” tendencies.                          - Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.

“Two parts of empathy: Skill (tip of iceberg) and Attitude (mass of the iceberg).”  - Unknown

“Empathy takes time, and efficiency is for things, not people.”  -Stephen Covey

The most precious gift we can offer others is our presence. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers.   –Thich Nhat Hanh

What is your pathway (sequence of actions) for offering empathy?  Do you consciously think about connecting with the other person?  A few days ago I was talking with my friend Annie about my pathway to connecting with others and offering empathy.  As we talked I became more and more excited by my clarity, and I realized that I want more awareness of this pathway in my life.

1st  I make a choice to connect with the other person and to offer them empathy.  I find that this step is important, the choice.  Saying to myself “I want to connect to this person and understand what they are experiencing.”  Without the conscious choice, I might begin listening because I think I am supposed to or because they are talking to me and I am there.  However, I am doubting that in these moments I am offering empathy or that I am experiencing connection with the person in the way that I really want to.

2nd  Then I decide (second choice) to take my internal empathy stance.  For me this begins with taking a deep breath, becoming aware of the center of my chest and my breathing.  Then I become as aware as possible while I release my thoughts.  I want to release my thoughts, because I will not be able to really listen if I am thinking.  I find that focusing on the area around my heart (the center of my chest), and even doing what I call “Heart Breathing” really helps me let go of my thoughts.  Heart Breathing is imagining that you are breathing in and out of the area around your heart.  If I am standing, I even change my physical stance so I feel secure and stable.  If I am stable on my feet, I can let go of managing or thinking about this physical aspect too.

3rd  Now that I have made a choice to connect with the other person, and I have taken a few breaths to connect to myself and become “present” or “centered”, I am ready to offer empathy.  Preparing myself to offer empathy happens in seconds or may take a few moments. I find it is worth the investment of time.  If I am concerned about what others might think, I can tell them that I need just a moment or, that I am trying to remember something.  Both work and are true for me.

Often, I hear people tell me that they do great giving others empathy but they are not able to offer themselves empathy.  I want to suggest to you that your same pathway for offering others empathy applies to offering yourself empathy.

1st  You make a choice to give yourself empathy.  How wonderful does that sound?

2nd  You make the choice to take your internal empathy stance.  I find that the same preparation is necessary for me.  Whatever your pathway is, do it.  If you don’t have a pathway, decide on one, its that simple.

Once I was in a restaurant with other people and found that taking the time I needed worked just fine. I said, “Would you give me a moment?”  Then I closed my eyes and went through my steps, maybe it took 30 or 60 seconds.  When I opened my eyes everyone at the table was looking at me.  Then someone spoke up and said “What did you do?  It is as if the energy in the entire restaurant changed.”  I smiled and said, “I did self empathy so I could stay connected to you and what we are talking about”.  In that moment I was even more convinced that I want to take the  time and effort to prepare myself to connect.

3rd  Now you are ready to give yourself empathy just like you would offer it to anyone else.  You have many options to meet your need for empathy.  You can do it quietly in your mind.  You can write it down.  You can always use two chairs if that is helpful.  You can work through it with your eyes closed with others watching you.  It will all work, and you are worth the investment of time and energy.

The point is, MAKE THE CHOICE to do it.  Offer yourself empathy with all the preparation you would do to offer it to anyone else.  You are worth it.

Until next time,

Blessings, love and Peace Matters,

Lori

Labeling seems normal in our culture:  It is common in our culture to classify others by labeling them, to judge by deciding what is right and wrong or good and bad and then to assign blame.  This was a normal part of the way I was raised, and I find it typical in my daily interactions with others.  Think about how these three (labeling, judging and blaming) seem to be presented as facts, as if everything that was said was true. “She is _______!”  ”He is _______!”  ”They are _______!”  Did you ever wonder how this got started or why we still do it?

I heard Marshall Rosenberg say, “If you are using NVC, then everyone else is using perfect NVC.”  Another way I heard him say this was, “If you have your ‘giraffe ears’ on, then you can’t hear judgments.” I thought to myself, “I don’t know if I have ever used NVC or had ‘giraffe ears’ on”.  In NVC we say that we have our giraffe ears on as a way to express that we are hearing (or trying to hear) a message in a compassionate way, actually listening to what might be underneath the words spoken – listening for the needs or what is important to the person speaking.

As I have been working on noticing my own judgments, labels and blaming – I have also become even more aware when I hear others judging, labeling and blaming.  There have been times that I have stood back on my heels in total amazement at the fluency and vocabulary of others judging and labeling.  I don’t think I could keep up with them even if I tried.  Other times I find myself overwhelmed by all that I am hearing and not sure how to respond within myself or to the other person.  At times I have been unable to bridge the gap between my quest to transform labeling, judging and blaming into understanding what the unmet need is and to simply have a conversation with someone else because of my inner response to how they are communicating.  Or to say it another way, my judgment of their judgments.  I have been searching for a way to be at ease in the world with everyone no matter how they are communicating.

The most excellent reason:  Marshall Rosenberg tells us that everything that everyone does is for the most excellent reason, to meet a need.  For some reason I have never been able to connect this way of communicating to this statement.  This labeling, judging and blaming seems to be global.  What need could it possibly be meeting?

A few weeks ago I was reading from Evelyn Underhill’s book Practical Mysticism ”Because mystery is horrible to us, we have agreed for the most part to live in a world of labels;” a light bulb in my mind went off.  Of course, maybe labeling and judging is about safety and comfort, even belonging and community.  If we label, especially when we are experiencing discomfort with someone, possibly we are provided some relief from our discomfort by classifying what is wrong (the label, judgment or blame).

To me there is nothing like empathy, and understanding “the most excellent reason” for why someone is doing or saying what they are doing or saying.  I am experiencing so much ease.  In fact since I have guessed that labeling and judging might be a way to meet needs such as safety and comfort, even belonging and community I have not experienced dis-ease in how someone else is communicating.

When I find myself in pain because of my own judgments, I seek help.  I think we all do.  Now, I seek a special kind of help.  I ask a friend to help me understand “the most excellent reason” why someone said or did what they said or did. I want to understand what needs they might have been trying to meet.  Sometimes I need help to stay curious long enough to get out of my own judgment so I can have freedom from my suffering.  I find freedom in understanding “the most excellent reason” that someone did or said what they did or said – what need were they trying to meet.  So far, every time I have found relief even from the oldest and deepest pain.

Reality or Imagination:  Thousands of years ago when our survival depended on us judging correctly if we were safe or not in a split second, this ability to judge and label was vitally important.  To think we can sum up a person in seconds, or to decide who they are by a single action or by an expression on their face, or to know an entire people of millions because we know a few doesn’t seem to have a strong foundation in reality.  Now that our survival isn’t dependent on our judgment of who someone else is in a split second, maybe we can begin to awaken to another reality.

Underhill writes that a mystic is someone who believes in union with reality.  What else would you want to have union with?  To have a bit of reality then would require us to be open to what is alive in a person, to what is actually being said, and to hear what is important to them.

Celebration:  I am happy for this new understanding, mostly because I want to make a difference, to contribute especially to this work.  I believe I will have a better chance to do this if I am able to understand as I listen with ease without trying to educate or change how people are communicating.  Yes, I am starting to get it Marshall.  If I have my ‘giraffe ears’ on then I can’t hear judgments,  I hear what is important to the person.  If I can stay curious long enough I can begin to understand “the most excellent reasons” someone is doing or saying what they are – Empathy.  To me, there is nothing in this world like empathy.  I love getting empathy and I love when I begin to “get” others too.  It changes everything, especially the pain I feel from not understanding.

Ok everyone – adjust your ‘giraffe ears’ just a little.  There, how’s that?

Until next time,

Blessings, Love, and Peace Matters

Lori

I want peace of mind and peace in the world, and I am guessing if you are reading this so do you.  The question is, why don’t we have peace?  I believe what is in the way of peace for you, for me, and for everyone on the planet is what we are thinking.  It isn’t the thoughts themselves, it is that we actually believe them.  And it doesn’t stop there, we have feelings about the thoughts and we live from what we are thinking as if it is true.  Much of the time we are dreaming, living in the virtual world of our minds and we believe they are true.

In our culture it is common for us to label, to judge, and to compare in our thoughts and conversations.  ”He is such a jerk,” “She is always like that,” “I know I am better than they are.”  Then we mix what actually happened with what we think about what happened and we believe it all the same.  ”She didn’t call me last week (observation), and I know it is because she is still mad at me because of xyz (evaluation).” 

Marshall Rosenberg calls these “life-alienating” communications, and in my experience they are “life-alienating” in that I find that they easily disconnect me from connection.  Think about how you feel when someone tells you things like “I know you are thinking that I am wrong,” or “You always do that”.  These types of statements tend to disconnect us from other people, and when I do speak this way I find that the other person is usually so busy trying to defend themselves that they are unable to listen to anything I want them to hear.

If we can recognize that a thought is just that – a thought – we have almost won our freedom to peace.  Once we become aware that we are observing a thought, we become the witness.  As the witness we are not trapped into living from the thought, we are free to choose.  

To notice the thought, “He was wrong for doing that”, and then we can say to ourselves “oh, look at the thought I am having, I think he is wrong.”  Then I can wonder what did “he” actually do that I did not enjoy?  The answer to this question can bring us closer to what we want instead of living with the powerless thought that “He is wrong.”

Be the watcher, catch a thought and free yourself and someone else at the same time.

Until next time,

Blessings, Love, and Peace Matters

Lori

When you regret something you said or did: I am guessing, from time to time we all regret some action we have taken.  The question is “what thoughts do you have about your actions”?  Generally, we have a certain way we talk to ourselves, or attempt to “educate” ourselves when we are disappointed in our own behavior.  For many of us, it is common for us to blame ourselves (I should know better or it was all my fault), use moralistic judgments (I am bad or I am an idiot), or compare ourselves (she will always do it better than I will).  This is a violent way to talk to ourselves, and what do we actually learn from talking to ourselves this way?  It seems the only thing we learn is to avoid hearing things that make us feel this pain, guilt and shame.  Have you noticed a sense of defensiveness in others, or a need to protect themselves?  I wonder if this is an attempt to protect oneself from this sense of pain from the way we talk to ourself and to each other.

A new way to educate ourselves: First, is to consider what values or needs we did not meet by what we did?  An example: I screamed at my child this morning and my thoughts were “what a horrible mother I am” and “I will never learn to do this better”.  In the past, that would have been the entirety of my self-dialogue.  When I take it another step and consider the needs that I did not meet by my action, I can quickly connect to care and respect.  Then I ask myself, how do I feel about not meeting those needs of care and respect?  I feel sad, very sad.  It is a different sadness than the typical pain, guilt and shame.  Marshall Rosenberg calls it a sweet pain, because it is natural and connected to my values.  Feeling this sadness is mourning that my needs for respect and care were not met.  It isn’t about saying I am sorry because I was wrong.  It is about saying that I am sad because my actions towards her did not meet my need for care and respect.  Already I am noticing some spaciousness within me.

Now, a question that is sometimes hard to consider at first.  ”What needs was I trying to meet by screaming at my child?”  Remember everything that we do is for the most excellent reason.  However, sometimes our actions create pain in us because they are costly to our relationships and they don’t meet other values we have.  Back to the question, “What was the really good reason that I screamed at my daughter?”  Ok, I wanted cooperation and ease in the morning.  Who doesn’t want cooperation and ease?  Right?

Now in holding all of my needs, care and respect as well as cooperation and ease, I want to consider how to meet all of these needs without the high cost to myself and my daughter.  I want cooperation and ease, but not at the cost of care and respect and I want care and respect but not at the cost of cooperation and ease.

Solutions Emerge: Once you know the needs that you want to hold equally, I invite you to take a moment and consider the beauty of each need.  Now ask yourself, how can you meet these needs in the future without the high cost?  You may receive an answer right away, or one may come to you over the next few days in ideas or thoughts.

This is the way I want to educate myself.  And the good news is I continue to see growth and change without the pain, guilt and shame.  I actually welcome opportunities for this learning, and find that my defensiveness and the need to protect myself have become smaller and smaller distractions as I trust this process.

Ongoing:  This has been my favorite NVC learning so far.  I find that my nights of tossing and turning are fewer and farther between.

I have developed a worksheet to follow this process, if you would like to have a copy of it simply email me to request it.

Until next time,

Blessings, Love and Peace Matters

Lori

As a young adult the phrase ”don’t judge or you will be judged” had been proven true to me over and over again.  My burning question was, “How did they know I was judging them?”  After all, I had not said a word to anyone.  For years I held this question and searched for an answer.

I have come to understand that there is an energy attached to judgments that others feel.   Whether there is awareness or not, this energy is felt by others and responded to.  Usually, in my experience, it is responded to in a way that I do not enjoy.

The strategy of disconnecting from our own internal experience and focusing on what is “wrong” with someone else (our judgments) seems to be a defense to protect us from feeling pain.  However it doesn’t seem to be working.  In my experience judgments seem to be the cause of much pain and suffering.  One judgment can lead to a repeated cycle of pain and separation that can last for years, a life time, and into future generations.

So what is a judgment?  A judgment is basically what we decide something means.  It is our evaluation.  Then to complicate matters, we entangle what we actually see or hear (an observation) with what we think it means (our judgment or evaluation).  Then in our minds this mixture becomes a memory that we access and respond to sometimes over and over again as if it is happening in the current moment.

I am not saying that judgments are not BAD.  They actually hold vital information for us that can lead to our freedom from suffering.  We can explore them to discover what we believed something meant, what needs of ours are not being met or are being met, what our true desires are, or a host of other insights that hold keys to our true happiness.

An important distinction is to know what we are holding as a judgment and what is an observation.  Then to be willing to untangle the judgments from the observations.

An Indian philosopher said that the highest from of human intelligence was observing without evaluating.

I am finding this untangling of judgments from observations quite enjoyable and liberating.

Until next time,

Blessings, Love, and Peace Matters

Lori

When our choice is to offer empathy to another person, our focus of attention is on their experience.  With this focus of attention, for me, questions would be in the service of understanding the person I am trying to connect with.

As questions come to our awareness we can determine what energy each question arises from.  Are we focused on the other person’s experience or are we focused on satisfying our curiosity, or responding from our experience as it might relate to their experience?

If my intention is to offer empathy to the other person, then my desire is to rest a significant amount of my attention on them.  With this intention of empathy for another, notice where your energy and attention are resting.  If you notice that your focus has slipped back to you and your experience, you can choose to re-focus your attention.  It is your choice.

Marshall Rosenberg defines empathy as a respectful understanding of another person’s experience.

I find empathy rare in my day to day experience.

My vision is that empathy becomes a normal experience for each of us.

Until next time,

Blessings, Love, and Peace Matters

Lori