July 2011
Labeling seems normal in our culture: It is common in our culture to classify others by labeling them, to judge by deciding what is right and wrong or good and bad and then to assign blame. This was a normal part of the way I was raised, and I find it typical in my daily interactions with others. Think about how these three (labeling, judging and blaming) seem to be presented as facts, as if everything that was said was true. “She is _______!” ”He is _______!” ”They are _______!” Did you ever wonder how this got started or why we still do it?
I heard Marshall Rosenberg say, “If you are using NVC, then everyone else is using perfect NVC.” Another way I heard him say this was, “If you have your ‘giraffe ears’ on, then you can’t hear judgments.” I thought to myself, “I don’t know if I have ever used NVC or had ‘giraffe ears’ on”. In NVC we say that we have our giraffe ears on as a way to express that we are hearing (or trying to hear) a message in a compassionate way, actually listening to what might be underneath the words spoken – listening for the needs or what is important to the person speaking.
As I have been working on noticing my own judgments, labels and blaming – I have also become even more aware when I hear others judging, labeling and blaming. There have been times that I have stood back on my heels in total amazement at the fluency and vocabulary of others judging and labeling. I don’t think I could keep up with them even if I tried. Other times I find myself overwhelmed by all that I am hearing and not sure how to respond within myself or to the other person. At times I have been unable to bridge the gap between my quest to transform labeling, judging and blaming into understanding what the unmet need is and to simply have a conversation with someone else because of my inner response to how they are communicating. Or to say it another way, my judgment of their judgments. I have been searching for a way to be at ease in the world with everyone no matter how they are communicating.
The most excellent reason: Marshall Rosenberg tells us that everything that everyone does is for the most excellent reason, to meet a need. For some reason I have never been able to connect this way of communicating to this statement. This labeling, judging and blaming seems to be global. What need could it possibly be meeting?
A few weeks ago I was reading from Evelyn Underhill’s book Practical Mysticism ”Because mystery is horrible to us, we have agreed for the most part to live in a world of labels;” a light bulb in my mind went off. Of course, maybe labeling and judging is about safety and comfort, even belonging and community. If we label, especially when we are experiencing discomfort with someone, possibly we are provided some relief from our discomfort by classifying what is wrong (the label, judgment or blame).
To me there is nothing like empathy, and understanding “the most excellent reason” for why someone is doing or saying what they are doing or saying. I am experiencing so much ease. In fact since I have guessed that labeling and judging might be a way to meet needs such as safety and comfort, even belonging and community I have not experienced dis-ease in how someone else is communicating.
When I find myself in pain because of my own judgments, I seek help. I think we all do. Now, I seek a special kind of help. I ask a friend to help me understand “the most excellent reason” why someone said or did what they said or did. I want to understand what needs they might have been trying to meet. Sometimes I need help to stay curious long enough to get out of my own judgment so I can have freedom from my suffering. I find freedom in understanding “the most excellent reason” that someone did or said what they did or said – what need were they trying to meet. So far, every time I have found relief even from the oldest and deepest pain.
Reality or Imagination: Thousands of years ago when our survival depended on us judging correctly if we were safe or not in a split second, this ability to judge and label was vitally important. To think we can sum up a person in seconds, or to decide who they are by a single action or by an expression on their face, or to know an entire people of millions because we know a few doesn’t seem to have a strong foundation in reality. Now that our survival isn’t dependent on our judgment of who someone else is in a split second, maybe we can begin to awaken to another reality.
Underhill writes that a mystic is someone who believes in union with reality. What else would you want to have union with? To have a bit of reality then would require us to be open to what is alive in a person, to what is actually being said, and to hear what is important to them.
Celebration: I am happy for this new understanding, mostly because I want to make a difference, to contribute especially to this work. I believe I will have a better chance to do this if I am able to understand as I listen with ease without trying to educate or change how people are communicating. Yes, I am starting to get it Marshall. If I have my ‘giraffe ears’ on then I can’t hear judgments, I hear what is important to the person. If I can stay curious long enough I can begin to understand “the most excellent reasons” someone is doing or saying what they are – Empathy. To me, there is nothing in this world like empathy. I love getting empathy and I love when I begin to “get” others too. It changes everything, especially the pain I feel from not understanding.
Ok everyone – adjust your ‘giraffe ears’ just a little. There, how’s that?
Until next time,
Blessings, Love, and Peace Matters
Lori
