April 2011
When you regret something you said or did: I am guessing, from time to time we all regret some action we have taken. The question is “what thoughts do you have about your actions”? Generally, we have a certain way we talk to ourselves, or attempt to “educate” ourselves when we are disappointed in our own behavior. For many of us, it is common for us to blame ourselves (I should know better or it was all my fault), use moralistic judgments (I am bad or I am an idiot), or compare ourselves (she will always do it better than I will). This is a violent way to talk to ourselves, and what do we actually learn from talking to ourselves this way? It seems the only thing we learn is to avoid hearing things that make us feel this pain, guilt and shame. Have you noticed a sense of defensiveness in others, or a need to protect themselves? I wonder if this is an attempt to protect oneself from this sense of pain from the way we talk to ourself and to each other.
A new way to educate ourselves: First, is to consider what values or needs we did not meet by what we did? An example: I screamed at my child this morning and my thoughts were “what a horrible mother I am” and “I will never learn to do this better”. In the past, that would have been the entirety of my self-dialogue. When I take it another step and consider the needs that I did not meet by my action, I can quickly connect to care and respect. Then I ask myself, how do I feel about not meeting those needs of care and respect? I feel sad, very sad. It is a different sadness than the typical pain, guilt and shame. Marshall Rosenberg calls it a sweet pain, because it is natural and connected to my values. Feeling this sadness is mourning that my needs for respect and care were not met. It isn’t about saying I am sorry because I was wrong. It is about saying that I am sad because my actions towards her did not meet my need for care and respect. Already I am noticing some spaciousness within me.
Now, a question that is sometimes hard to consider at first. ”What needs was I trying to meet by screaming at my child?” Remember everything that we do is for the most excellent reason. However, sometimes our actions create pain in us because they are costly to our relationships and they don’t meet other values we have. Back to the question, “What was the really good reason that I screamed at my daughter?” Ok, I wanted cooperation and ease in the morning. Who doesn’t want cooperation and ease? Right?
Now in holding all of my needs, care and respect as well as cooperation and ease, I want to consider how to meet all of these needs without the high cost to myself and my daughter. I want cooperation and ease, but not at the cost of care and respect and I want care and respect but not at the cost of cooperation and ease.
Solutions Emerge: Once you know the needs that you want to hold equally, I invite you to take a moment and consider the beauty of each need. Now ask yourself, how can you meet these needs in the future without the high cost? You may receive an answer right away, or one may come to you over the next few days in ideas or thoughts.
This is the way I want to educate myself. And the good news is I continue to see growth and change without the pain, guilt and shame. I actually welcome opportunities for this learning, and find that my defensiveness and the need to protect myself have become smaller and smaller distractions as I trust this process.
Ongoing: This has been my favorite NVC learning so far. I find that my nights of tossing and turning are fewer and farther between.
I have developed a worksheet to follow this process, if you would like to have a copy of it simply email me to request it.
Until next time,
Blessings, Love and Peace Matters
Lori
